For some reason, I’m still here. After multiple suicide attempts, kidnappings, my mother, rapes, abuses, accidents, MY mother, overdoses, addictions, natural disasters, MY MOTHER, I’m still here. I was raised Catholic, or moreso, I was taken to church as a little girl sometimes on Sundays. In my teens, I had Catholism stuffed down my throat by obsessive, die hard Catholic family members. As my hate for the hypocrites grew, I found myself bouncing between Eastern religions, extreme Catholicism, and then just fucking off “God” altogether. Until, I was saved.
Saved from the bullets I was about to put in my head, the life I was about to throw away, the deep, debilitating depressions I was going through. I was saved. By a force, by a voice, by a wave of comfort, by a calling from something above and beyond myself, and rationality.
A great calling is what has brought me here today, alive and well. A calling that took four years of my life and threw me into the world, a world I wanted so badly to not wake up to and has made me anew. Built me from below the ground up and injected into my soul, the mental strength and stamina to face my newest battle, cancer, with grace, faith, smiles and positivity.
I don’t like using the word “God” in the way people use it for their supreme being. People have destroyed that word for me. For the things I experience, and the miracles that have materialized before my eyes, I label this entity, The Force, or merely, The Universe.
I also made a conscious choice to STOP praying, YEARS AGO. Stop talking to the air, like I’m talking to another, like some kind of schizo. I’m an all or nothing kinda gal. Go all in, or drop it all together. However, I see this now as the rebel that was inside of me, combatting a system that kept forcing itself upon me. Today, instead of “prayer”, I send up intentions. I speak my desires and thoughts and hopes. I ask for the protection and happiness of those I love, and those among us needing light. I seek guidance with my life to ensure I’m living to my potential, and on point with my purpose. I know, in essence, it’s prayer that I’m doing…but just like the word God, that label doesn’t work for me.
My brain needed new words, to eradicate the old ones, in order for everything to begin to make sense and flow again.
As a survivor of many, I’ve come to my next hurdle, armed and prepared. I’ve overcome my darkest hours and become a Superhero, now? I’m ready to be…a GOD.
*It’s a joke, laugh*